More Dreams

Two bright blue eyes watching me intently, beside another pair of blue-and-grey eyes.  The little girls smile, tugging at my sleeve. One of them, the younger of the two, is rambling on and on.  I'm irritated.

"-and then me and friend Breezi--" I cut her off, "Megan, get out of my room.  I'm busy."  My tone is too harsh, she looks hurt.  I don't care, she's annoying me.  The other chimes in, "But... you promised us a drawing lesson!"

"Not right now, Emily!  I have to finish this piece.  Just get out of my room.  Go play with your friends or something."  both girls look hurt.  I pretend not to notice.  Pouting, the blonde with the bright blue eyes suddenly exclaims, "Can I see!?!"  I sigh.  She's really getting on my nerves and it's hard to draw with all the noise they make.  But I turn the screen towards them, their smiles getting huge. 

"Wow!  Ashley, that's really good! Who is it?"  I just sigh more and shake my head. 

"It's for a friend. Just... get out of my room, okay?"  With a set look of determination, the older blonde one jumps onto my bed and begins bouncing while declaring a loud, "NO!"  I glare at her for a moment before shouting, "MOM, DAD! THE GIRLS WON'T GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"  My parents shout for the girls to leave, and they both send a broken glance at me as they drag their feet slowly towards the door.  I turn back to my work and mutter, "And close the door after you."

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Not so much a dream as a memory.  I had another nightmare last night, but I think I'm just getting used to those.  I mean, they terrify me, but this... it breaks my heart.  My little sisters..... My adorable little monsters of siblings..... They don't even know who I am anymore.  I should have treated them better!  I should have spent every scrap of time I had with them!  Instead....  I pushed them away every time they tried to tell me about their lives or spend time with me.....
I guess this is just really setting in now....  My little sister's birthday, Emily's birthday, is Tuesday.  I've been working on a present for her for a while now.  And I just finished it.  But I can't give it to her.  I mean.... I can, but I won't get the excited smile, those bright blue eyes widening in excitement as she rips away whatever I wrapped the gift in, the attack of a hug as she launches herself at me, the excited laughter.  I don't get that.  I'm never going to get that again.  I'm never going to see those two pairs of eyes staring up at me with love and adoration EVER AGAIN.

I've been lying to myself this whole time.  I've been telling myself that I'm okay.  That they're better off this way.  That I'm better off this way.  I am not okay.  I don't know if I ever will be okay again. I want this to be done.  I want to forget it ever happened.  I want my family back!  I want to be free of the gottverdammt Fears forever.  I want to sit down with my little sisters and listen to all their stupid stories and get frustrated as hell while trying to teach them the best way to draw a cat and then hang their pictures on my bedroom wall and teach them how to sew like I promised them so long ago. 

I want to go and apologize to every friend that I pushed away, I want to go and fix every lie I told.  I want to watch stupid movies every Saturday with my family and go to the pool with them every single day all summer despite the fact that I hate swimming because it messes with my sinusses and makes me groggy.  I want to be able to fight with my dad over my grades because it means I get to see him care again. 

I can't keep fighting. I've lost everything that should be the most important.  And what makes it worse.... is that I lost it a long time before I even heard the words 'The Slender man'. 

I'm the monster here.

-Ash